Forget Voodoo, take a look at Budget & Appropriations. That’s Hoodoo Economics to put Merlin, Gandalf, and David Copperfield to shame. An arcane alchemy understood only by high priests and Adepts of the 14th Level? Nah. You just need a guide and here it is: The 19 Commandments of Budget.

              FIRST AND BASIC COMMANDMENT: Everybody has an agenda. So do you. That’s why we’re all here, remember?

              SECOND: The perfect is the enemy of the good. Anyone who blocks good while demanding perfect is either sabotaging or a Libertarian.

              THIRD: Budget is about saying ‘NO.’ If you’re saying ‘Yes,’ you’re doing it wrong. Buy stock in Kleenex.

FOURTH: Reality always beats narrative. 2 + 2 always equals 4, no matter what you’re trying to sell to whom. Don’t believe me? Try telling someone that 10% cut is really a 10% hike.

              FIFTH: No one-time money for ongoing costs. Pay for regular costs with regular income. Or don’t, and cut the cost. Otherwise say ‘hello’ to Mr. Structural Deficit

SIXTH: One man’s pork is another man’s bacon. It may be Waste & Fraud to you, but that’s someone’s Waste & Fraud, often proudly brought back to the District as proof of fitness for office. Someone more than likely from your own caucus.

SEVENTH: Grants are like a dope dealer’s free first taste. They’re to get you hooked. Never use grants to start ongoing programs. Grants are found money and sooner or later they’re lost. The nest will be full of little baby programs all chirping with their cute open mouths and you’ll be shy a few worms.

              EIGHTH: Continents rise and fall, programs are forever. You can bury a program with a stake in its heart at the crossroads at midnight, and it’ll still be at your breakfast table by morning.

              NINTH: You’ll always have lots of friends when you give away other people’s money. But with friends like those…

              TENTH: Snapshots are OK, trendlines are better. Today’s figures tell nothing; give me the last few years. You’re taking in $10 and spending $11? Not great, not horrible. You’re taking in $13, $12, $11, $10 and spending $8, $9, $10, $11? Clear the ER: you need radical surgery stat.

              ELEVENTH: Inertia is your enemy. Halt the herd and the rustlers circle.

              TWELFTH: Don’t confuse Alligator issues and Swamp issues. Remember “when you’re up to your butt in alligators, it’s tough to remember you’re there to drain the swamp?” Don’t get focused on beating gators and forget why you came.

              THIRTEENTH: We live in a Three Party System. Democrats, Republicans, and Bureaucrats. Electeds come and go, Bureaucrats own houses here.

              FOURTEENTH: Everything is Theoretical until it isn’t. Show me specifics. “I’ll cut 10% off my department!” Really? Who isn’t going to be working here anymore? Names, please. “Children will die!” Everyone says that; which children? Where? And don’t fall for the Little Jodie stories. Little Jodie is a sometimes-hypothetical 8-9 year old girl whom advocates and journalists always reduce every argument to. D-Day? But to Little Jodie, it’s tragedy because her daddy isn’t there for her birthday party!

FIFTEENTH: The Devil’s in the details, so details are where the Devils live. The deeper something’s buried, the stinkier it is. Don’t get lost in the weeds, bring a weedwhacker. And an exorcist.

SIXTEENTH: Green Side Up! Two guys on the phone, one keeps interrupting and yelling ‘green side up.’ Other guy asks what? “Ever had three Irishmen laying sod?” Focus on basics.

SEVENTEENTH: Quality, Service, Price. Pick any two.

EIGHTEENTH: Find the line between legal and illegal, then take five steps back. If you dance along that line, sooner or later you’ll fall over the edge.

And finally: NINETEENTH: Remember: the budget is pure pornography: someone gets screwed on every page.

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