So Trump’s going to be indicted by the current New York District Attorney, who’s totally a non-partisan servant of the justice system. I’m all over social media and many of my friends are totally giddy. Trump is finally going to be put away forever and the Menace of Our Latest Hitler (as opposed to Yesterday’s Hitler—R.Reagan, G. Bush Sr., G.W. Bush) will be ended with people’s justice served. One nice lady I know has already bought the campaign and is bragging that she’s ready to pop the corks.
So I spoke to a friend of mine named Smedley, who owns the local Spirits Emporium. They have everything: Gin, Bourbon, vodka, single malt scotch. But you know what their biggest money maker is?
“Champagne. Actually, sparkling wine,” Smedley told me. “You can’t call it ‘champagne’ unless it’s from the province in France. But it’s all really the same thing and it’s my best seller.”
I asked “How come?”
He nodded. “It’s the Trump Effect on alcohol purchase. You see, every time it looks like Trump is going to be taken, down, I sell a ton of champagne. Every Democrat, liberal, and leftist buys the bubbly to toast the Donald’s demise.”
“Absolutely!” he said. “They’re all going to clink their glasses and celebrate.”
“So why a money maker?”
“Well, it’s a regular thing.” Smedley laughed. “See, first there was 2016, when Hillary Clinton was going to whack that idiot Trump. She actually had a fake glass ceiling in New York to bust and cases upon cases of my bubbly, all ready to go. But Trump won instead.
“Next it was Russia. Russia, Russia, Russia. Every time they brought up Russia and that was the end of Trump. They all had champagne on ice. And pfft! Didn’t happen. Couple of months later—more Russia, and I sell more bubbly.”
“What did they do with it?” I asked “Return?”
“Hell, no! They drown their sorrows and move on. Next: impeachment! That’s the end! You’d be amazed who bought my champagne.”
“Nah. They buy the cheap stuff. But I sell cases on cases. And then what?
“Yup,” said. “But they impeach him again! And they pop the corks in celebration all over again. Now November 2020, they really do celebrate. But Trump’s out of office, I figure the party’s over.”
“Bad for business.”
“No! Smedley said. “Au contraire, Pierre! They’re still after him! That J6 Committee; cases of Domestic Bubbly all through Congress. Then pfft! But now!! That New York DA. He’s got all the Trump haters ready to pop corks yet again! I’m telling you, I’ve sold more champagne that I have since the first FBI Director got canned.”
“So this is all just a conspiracy of the champagne sellers?
He looked smug. “I won’t say our Association didn’t send an anonymous letter or two. The New York Times will believe anything.”
“This must be a real godsend,” I said. “But what will you do if this doesn’t pan out and Trump doesn’t go to jail.”
Smedley shrugged. “Same as always. We’ve got a new brand called ‘This Time For Sure!’”
“But what happens if this really helps Trump? What if it works to his advantage and he gets reelected in 2024?”
Smedley just smiled. “Then the Republicans buy it.”